Your Cancer Funny Horoscope

The FUNNY HOROSCOPE that reveals the light (or dark) side of your personality.
Mostly hideously hilarious!

Occasionally downright daft! Amuse yourself and make fun of your friends with the Cancer Hilaroscope (22nd June – 22nd July).

Character, love, money, future and much more ridiculously revealed.

WARNING: May induce heart attacks or fits in those who take themselves too seriously.


Cancers are sensitive and sympathetic, always ready to listen and to help and are very well liked by all – for about 15 minutes. If there is one thing that Cancers are particularly bad at, it is disguising the scheming, manipulative, self-interested intentions behind their every action. And because nobody likes egotistical jerks, nobody likes Cancers.

Cancers are incredibly fond of gullible people. These are the only sort of friends they can hold on to for any significant length of time. And of course, gullible people like Cancers back, because gullible people will like just about anything you would want them to.

One thing that Cancers find extremely handy is their sharp intuition. A cancer will always realise when the game is up and his friends are about to ditch him and he will always make it a point to do it first. In such a case, you can expect silly excuses like, “I’ve got to stay in and train my hamster for the pet karaoke championships”, or “My boss needs me to work overtime this month… did I say 18 hours a day?”

Cancers are very traditional, which is to say they are quite simply out of touch with the modern world. They are the sort of people who don’t use e-mail because they can’t figure out where to put the stamps. Cancers believe that the term e-book refers to the fifth volume of the Encyclopaedia Britannica and many of them wear surgical gloves at the computer, to minimise the risks of catching a virus from the mouse.


As far as love is concerned, Cancers are the very stuff soap opera screenwriters dream of. In other words, they are ruthless, vengeful, backstabbers who hardly ever venture outdoors. They spend most of their time cheating on their partners at the office, in hospital wards and even at home. One really distinguishing characteristic is that they love to turn even the least argument into a horrible shouting match. Estate agents won’t admit it, but having a Cancer living within 200m automatically devalues a property by 25% and selling out to a Cancer is a sure-fire way of getting back at the neighbours.

A lot of Cancers are divorced. Many others are poisoned.


Cancers are obsessed with money, but are far from financially wise. They are always falling for get-rich-quick schemes that are obvious rip-offs to everyone else. Cancers distrust credit cards and so they usually carry considerable amounts of cash, making them ideal targets for muggers. Astrologers are fond of the saying, “A Cancer and his money are soon parted.”


Passion and intrigue await the Cancer-born, but the initial glamour will soon give way to record stress levels and inevitable heart disease. Cancers are destined to wander from one mess to another, scavenging for an elusive happiness but acquiring little more than the chronic bad breath and a dreadful, all-pervading, chain-smoking smell. Whatever money they manage to save up will soon find itself in the pockets of air-freshener and deodorant companies.

Famous Cancers

King Henry VIII, Mike Tyson, O.J. Simpson

Ideal jobs

Cancers would be most comfortable being lawyers, politicians or mafia gangsters – not much of a choice really.

This Hilaroscope is Courtesy of Andrew De Gabriele of Write On Copywriting Services
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